Writer’s block
So often I think to myself I should write here. So often I think that was journal worthy, but sommehow it never makes it here.
My son turned 2, I've started a new job, started some new medication.
I just don't feel much like writing lately.
My brain.
http://www.mindmedia.com/brainworks/index.html
Your Brain Usage Profile:
Auditory : 60%
Visual : 40%
Left : 33%
Right : 66%
You show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.
You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.
Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.
Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.
Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.
You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a “mystic.”
With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to “listen to your inner voice” as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals.
Overwhelming Weirdness.
There is so much unreal shit going on in my life at the moment. If I weren't so numb I would have blown a gasket by now. The past 6 weeks have left me in a confused stupor. I don't know what I feel about most things, at this point. I think my emotional circuitry has shorted out.
To summarize the past few weeks:
My father almost died.
My mom convinced my sister to leave her family and join a new age cult. Yes, really.
I disowned my mother.
I got laid off.
My son has discovered the power of the tantrum.
Someone close to me informed me they have a prescription drug problem.
I have been missing my best friend and old city something awful.
I will go into more detail later. I really need to get it all out.
Most of this stuff seems so ridiculous. I find myself laughing at most of it. I guess it's the only way my brain can cope. None of it is funny, but each of these situations is so preposterous in their individual contexts. Put together, it's the outline of a novel. I wish I could write it down and have committed to spending a little time each day trying to do just that.
I am doing all I can to stay out of everyone else's drama. Some of them I really care about and will do what I can, but I don't have a lot to offer as a friend right now because the rest of my life is crumbling beneath me.
I have a very supportive boyfriend who used to have a very simple existence. Poor boy.
Sick.
My son, my boyfriend and I have been fighting some tummy ailment this weekend. Ronan is feeling better, he got the worst of it Thursday. Jesse and I, however, are pretty useless.
I feel like a terrible mother, I can't stay awake or walk and have, in essence, let the television babysit Ronan this weekend. He tells me to get up (mama et puuh) and cuddles me and tries to take care of me in every way an almost 2 year old can. He tries to feed me (mama bite?) but I can't eat. I have resorted to setting things ot for him because I am so sore. Animal crackers, apple slices, cheese and crackers. My poor babies won't get a proper meal today. He plays well on his own, but we don't get much time together, and he tries to get me to play. I'm terrified that I will doze off and he will hurt himself so he has been gated into a safe zone most of the day.
I am in so much pain. Every cell aches, and throwing up with a headache this terrible is one of the worst things I have ever experienced. We are a pretty rough bunch. The last time I was too sick to eat was in college. This is something else.
That thing.
It starts out as a little restlessness. You feel off. You may not even be able to place it. A little tension. Something doesn’t allow you the full range of motion. It’s subtly limiting. It feels like fatigue, yet it affects more than just your body. Slowly it begins to wrap tighter and tighter. You start to feel uncomfortably restrained. You feel more and more pressure. You start thinking of ways around the feeling, as though you have some kind of control over what is happening. You feel like you could *just* squeak by… if only you could place it.
As it begins to affect your every thought, you begin to plot your escape. You strategize, thinking of ways to compensate. By now it’s fully obvious, to you and anyone who’s paying attention, what is holding you there. You can hardly breathe. You do only what you have to do, because it is all you are able to. Your identity is lost beneath what is dragging you along, numb and helpless, and you are no longer recognizable as yourself. Then something will break through. You begin to understand the pattern, It’s movements, and in some level, it’s plan.
You see your weak point and you make your move, knowing full well that if you don’t kill it with the first blow, it will just get pissed and you will lose yourself completely. This one action is all it will take, but can you find the will… where is your motivation… is there enough of you left?
The things I used to feel.
I used to be able to sit and write.Write about my day, my catty one uppance battles, what I saw, what I thought I knew.
Now when I sit here, all of the daily stuff just swirls about inside me, miandering and trying to find an outlet or, at the very least, a home for itself somewhere inside.
It’s not that I don’t feel anymore. I feel a lot. A lot of confusion, a lot of love, a lot of pride, a lot of doubt. I feel all of these things yet somehow, the ways in which I was able to express them have lost their way in this new me I have become out of necessity. I have come to understand so much about the world, about myself, about what and who are important. Somehow, though, the realization of these things doens’t bring me any closer to where I want and need to be. Day to day life gets in the way, and I’m left here piddling through, worrying that everyone and everything I believe in has forgotten about me.
Welcome to my emotional toilet.
This is really only here for me. Very few people will ever know about it. If you’ve stumbled across it, you may find it sappy and boring. I’m cool with that. For once in my life this isn’t about you.
Book of Days 